As One Flesh

… except for his immediate relation (she’aro), who is near unto him - for his mother, and for his father, and for his son, and for his daughter, and for his brother. Leviticus 21:2

“She’ar” denotes his wife. Rashi (based upon Babylonian Talmud, Yevamot 22b)

There are differing opinions as to the proper understanding of the word “she’ar.”

Midrash Lekaḥ Tov states: “the true meaning of ‘she’ar’ is flesh.” (Indeed, the blessing recited following brit mila includes the words: “[You] have marked the decree of circumcision in his flesh [she’aro].”)

Lekaḥ Tov continues and connects its definition of “she’ar” to a verse in Genesis:

The reason (the Sages) said she’aro refers to one’s wife is that she is as one flesh with him, as the verse states: “And they shall become one flesh.” [Genesis 2:24]

HaKetav v’haKabbala (1785-1865) understands “she’ar” to be related to “she’erit” (remnant), and writes:

In my opinion, a wife is called she’ar because she is responsible for the continuity of (man’s) existence by giving birth to children, which constitutes the existence and the survival of man, as the verse [Genesis 45:7] states “To provide a remnant (she’erit) in the land.”

This comment seems close to that of Rashi on the verse in the second chapter of Genesis:

“As one flesh” – the child is formed by both parents, who thereby become as one flesh.

However, Naḥmanides rejects Rashi’s comment, noting that the offspring of lower animals as well are formed by both parents, while the verse implies that becoming as one flesh is a trait unique to humans.           

Naḥmanides asserts that the phrase “they shall become as one flesh” must be understood in the context of the complete verse, which is:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Naḥmanides suggests that the difference between animals and human beings in the matter of sexual relations is that the male does not form an attachment to the female, but merely copulates with whichever female he encounters and then goes on his way. With humans, on the other hand, at least on the ideal and desired level, the attachment between the couple precedes sexual relations:

Scripture tells us that the (first) human female (Eve) was the flesh of man’s (Adam’s) flesh and the bone of his bones [Genesis 2:23] and man clung to her, and she was in his bosom as his own flesh, and he desired to always be with her. This trait was included in the nature of Adam’s descendants, namely that the males cling to their wives, leaving their parents and seeing their wives as if they are one flesh with them. Similarly, the verse states: “For he is our brother, our (own) flesh” [Genesis 37:27] and “his immediate relation, who is near unto him; that is: close relatives are called ‘she’ar of flesh.’” Thus a man leaves the closeness (she’ar) of his relation to his parents and sees his wife as being more closely related.

Indeed, Da’at Zekanim of the Tosafists comments: “They shall become one flesh” – there is no greater relation or closeness.

Rabbi Moshe Alshikh (1507-1593) comments:

“One’s wife is as himself (literally, ‘as his own body’)” [Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 24a] by virtue of the closeness of their souls, for the souls of a man and of his mate are considered as a single soul, they are as two bodies with a single soul.

Based upon Alshikh’s comment we would have expected the Sages to say: “a man’s wife is as his own soul.” However, Alshikh adds a comment which averts the question:

When the couple is of one soul, they become one flesh as well by giving birth to children, through whom they become as one flesh, as our Sages taught [Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 30b] “there are three partners in every human: the Holy One, blessed be He, the father and the mother.”

According to Alshikh’s exposition, the connection as one flesh comes as the result of the connection of souls. It seems that this comment of Alshikh is exactly that of Naḥmanides quoted above, that the spiritual closeness is what brings a couple to becoming as one flesh.

This matter, man’s uniqueness in being able to and needing to form a spiritual and physical connection with his mate, is a component of creation, as Malbim elucidates [Malachi 2:15]:

When God created humans, He did not create male and female separate from each other, as He did other animals, for initially Adam was created alone and Eve was one of his ribs and was originally part of the same body as him (as our Sages [Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 61a] taught: “God created Adam with two countenances” [and Eve was made of one]). This is what is meant in the verse: “And hasn’t He made (them) one (flesh) in order to have spiritual blood-relatives (she’ar)?” God created Adam as a single body with his wife; they were (physically) connected together at the time of creation. “Spiritual blood-relatives” – Adam and his mate, who was part of him, were of one spirit. Thus, Adam and Eve were created as a single body and a single spirit, unlike all other animals, which were created as two, separate in body and in spirit. And why did He do this, rather than creating man and his mate separately? It is to teach that man’s mate must be like him and able to unite with him both in flesh and in spirit.

Rabbi Shimshon Raphael Hirsch offers a different definition of “she’ar,” and writes:

The basic meaning of she’ar is “completion.” Here, “she’ar” denotes his wife, because it is she who “is the spiritual and moral complement of a man’s human existence.” [Commentary on Leviticus 21:2]

As long as man was alone, he was not yet “good,” and because once the division had been made, it was no longer at all possible for man to fulfill his calling by himself, because his wife was to be “a companion suitable for helping him.” [Genesis 2:18] Without her, he was only half a man, and only together with her did he feel himself a whole man. Therefore, a man leaves his father and mother and attaches himself to a wife, and they become one single body. Man and woman become one single body. But that can take place only if at the same time they become one mind, one heart, one soul. And this is possible only if they subordinate all their strength and efforts, all their thoughts and desires to the service of a Higher Will. [Commentary on Genesis 2:24]

Ḥizkuni preceded Rabbi Hirsch by six centuries, when he commented:

This creation (humans) is unlike the rest of creation, which was brought forth from soil and water. And why are humans unique? Because the Holy One, blessed be He intended that man leave his parents and cling to his wife, that they become as one flesh, that is, a complete body. Therefore, man pursues woman, since she comes from him. (Until a man finds his mate) it is as if he is missing a limb.

            Similarly, Rabbi Ovadya Sforno (1480-1550) writes: “They shall be as one flesh” – the intention is to achieve the completeness which was intended by the Creator.

Shela (Rabbi Yeshaya haLevi Horowitz [1558-1630]) adds his own dimension:

Humans are the epitome of creation and are made in the Divine image, and as God created them with two countenances, to demonstrate the absolute equality of the genders, so too their bodies and souls join together in sanctity. After the initial creation, woman was separated from man to become a companion suitable for helping him, and then they can truly be united as one flesh, and then Man achieves completion in the Divine image.

Based upon this definition of “she’ar” as well, there is a close connection between the spiritual and physical connection of spouses.

The verse in the second chapter of Genesis presents practical halachic lessons, as Tur writes in his introduction to Even haEzer:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” – This means that it is fitting that she be special and particular to him and he to her. Therefore, it is appropriate that a man love his wife as he loves himself, and honor her more than he honors himself [Babylonian Talmud, Yevamot 62b], to have compassion for her and protect her, as he would protect one of his limbs. The wife too is obligated to help her husband and love him as she loves herself, “because she was taken out of man.” [Genesis 2:23]

Therefore the Torah commanded: “He must not reduce the food, clothing, or marital rights of his wife.” [Exodus 21:10] Many other mitzvot are mandated in the matter of the connection between husband and wife for as long as they are together.

            In summary, we can quote Malbim’s commentary on Genesis 2:24:

Every man in his youth clings to his parents, and when he matures and becomes an adult, he leaves his mother and father and takes a wife, with whom he will build his own faithful home and cling to her, for she is his companion and a companion suitable for helping him, and they become as one flesh in order to have progeny and maintain the species.

In memory of my wife, Gloria, and with deep appreciation to the Creator for the privilege of being connected to her spiritually and physically for more than a generation.